At some point, we will all face the situation where our parents begin to age and slow down, both physically and mentally. As an adult child, this shift in the dynamics of your relationship with your parents can be challenging to navigate. On one hand, you want to respect their privacy and independence, but on the other hand, you want to make sure they are continuing to make decisions that are in their best interests. Therefore, it’s important to begin assessing their changing needs and making a plan to accommodate and protect them.
Identification of the Need
It’s important to remember that aging parents have been self-sufficient for their entire adult lives, and many fear the time when that will change. Therefore, conversations about the changing needs of your parents should be approached with care and respect, and adult children should do everything they can to maintain their parents’ dignity and try not to overstep their privacy.
The key for successful conversations about changing needs is to be proactive. By engaging in discussions about things they will need in the future as opposed to in the moment, the aging parents can accept the idea at their own pace. For adult children who live out-of-state, consider leveraging technology such as FaceTime or Skype to get eyes on your parents and talk face-to-face, so to speak.
These conversations can start small with little things like, “Can I help you review the Medicare Explanation of Benefits,” or “Can I review a doctor’s statement with you?”
The First Steps
Regardless of age, every adult should have two legal documents in place: the Advanced Directive for Healthcare and a Financial Power of Attorney. Since these are documents that aren’t necessarily age-specific but are essential planning tools for all adults, many adult children find success beginning with these two steps.
The Advanced Healthcare Directive appoints a particular agent or agents to make healthcare decisions on behalf of the individual, if he or she were to become unable to make decisions for him or herself. It also includes end-of-life decisions that the agent should be guided by but is not necessarily bound to. The Financial Power of Attorney appoints an agent or agents to make financial decisions on behalf of the individual in the event he or she becomes incapacitated. This document allows extreme power over the principal’s finances, so the choice of agent should be carefully considered. It’s also important to note that any adult, until they are found by a court to be incompetent, can revoke their power of attorney.
Other Ways to Protect Parents
As the conversation progresses over time, there are many other aspects and plans to discuss with your parents. In the event of an emergency, it’s important to have all important legal, financial, and medical documents organized and accessible. Ideally, children would be able to sort through this information with their aging parents, so they are sure they know how to find the information on their own. Additionally, it is always a good idea to keep a list of medications, medical conditions, doctors, and insurance information in an easily accessed spot, such as on the refrigerator.
Some aging parents and adult children consider opening joint bank accounts, so the children are able to easily pay bills and manage finances on behalf of the parents. While it’s common, joint bank accounts can result in significant complications down the road because the surviving owner inherits the balance of the account upon the death of the parent. This can cause unintended imbalances in the estate distribution. Many banks have become much more savvy with these situations, and now offer Power of Attorney access to bank accounts without providing ownership on the account.
For families of more substantial means, it may be most appropriate to establish a trust, which gives trustees more flexibility than an agent has under a Financial Power of Attorney.
With so many details to consider when helping our parent as they age, many adult children turn to professionals for guidance. There are two significant benefits of consulting with an experienced attorney or other specialized expert. First, they will be able to provide reliable advice on topics you may not consider otherwise. Second, many aging parents have an easier time talking with a professional third party about such topics, as it removes the family dynamic and becomes more formal.
The Last Resort
While it’s rarely necessary, the last resort when trying to protect your aging parents is a conservatorship. A conservatorship involves the probate court, and it’s essentially the filing of a lawsuit against the aging parents to establish legal control over their finances, and property. There are times when this is necessary, such as a protective measure when a parent is being taken advantage of by a third party or when he or she has become completely uncooperative but is causing harm to his or her wellbeing.
As your family plans for the changes that will occur as your parents age, it’s important to work together and communicate openly. This includes effective communication among sibling and between the parents and their adult children. After all, your parents patiently cared for you, and now it’s your time to do the same for them.
